Filthy Hamsters

Mountain Bike Ride

6th January route

The Ginger One, The Youth, Trainee#2, Oz

“Another year over, a new one just begun.” sang John Lennon, a little better known than his less well reported last words, “Is that a real gun?” Not even the first ride of the year for most of us either but the first group ride of the year and what better place to kick it all off than good old Hamsters. Some man-made tracks which are holding up better than the forest mudfests which we suffer during this season of bleakness. The forecast was none too promising but better for Hamsterley than the North York Moors; consequently 4 riders met under grey skies in the car park, where we were eventually joined by our fifth, a Trail Burglar, who parks outside the forest to save himself the parking fee, preferring to invest his cash in John Smith’s Creamflow and suspect trousers. The remainder of us rode with clean consciences and more conservative legwear.

For a change we began on the south side of the forest, riding up by the Skills Loop and onward and upward to the aptly named Windy Bank Road - it’s a bank and it’s always windy, today not too windy so a pleasant alternative to Cough Up A Lung Lane, our usual route to the top of the south side. A quick swerve off the tarmac and we were at the start of Section 13, ready to emulate the young people and take some phat air in a gnarly fashion, like the posse of dudes we undoubtedly are. Section 13 succumbed without incident but only just judging by the girly screams. Boneshaker followed, surprisingly dry considering the puddles scattered about and the gentle drizzle dampening everything but our enthusiasm; a little play on our favourite drop off before we were spat out onto the road. Ready for the always unexpected climb to Special K, our third track of the ride. Being rocky, it’s holding up well, although only The Ginger One opted for The Bomb Hole (he’s got the trousers for it) and we all give the wooden wall ride a wide berth. The final section, Brainfreeze, was also plenty firm, The Youth failed to repeat his infamous ride off the wooden drop off platform, in fact his reluctance to entertain us with his slapstick attempts at black graded trail features, is becoming noticed, old blokes are now doing bigger jumps than him.  

The Grove Link took us to, yes you’ve guessed it, The Grove and we began the long ascent to the transmitter mast and beyond to take in Hamsterley’s latest track, Polty’s Last Blast, a nicely bermed flow through the woods, spoilt a little by the uphill finish but still worth doing. The intermittent drizzle/rain and the muddy fire roads between tracks was taking it’s toll, everyone and everything was liberally spattered with mud, filming on the move was out of the question, lens’s were dripping with slurry within seconds. The always anticipated trio of Transmission, Accelerator and Nitrous went by in a blur of mud stung eyes and sliding rubber, too soon we were back at The Grove. Reversing our usual route didn’t seem such a good idea now we realised the climb up to Pike’s Teeth still needed doing but a steady pedal got us there, breathless but indomitable. The wet roots on the Pike’s Teeth track made things a little more challenging but no casualties were reported. We continued down a bit of inevitably muddy off-piste stuff which may or may not have been Green Man, which took us to the forest drive and, seeing as some of the Terra Trailblazers’ irregulars were feeling the pace, we headed directly to the car park.

The Hamsterley Forest Cafe, being open slightly less often than Albania’s borders, was naturally closed, so we hastened to the cafe on the A68, the neon sign in the window glaring a blunt message: CLOSED. It wasn’t even 2pm. Five hungry and disappointed would be patrons left the car park, completely baffled by the business model of small catering establishments.