The Pensioner's Ashes

Mountain Bike Ride.

The Breadlad, Uncle Ian, Rod, Andy, Andrew, Dave, Vinnie, Bobby, Climbin’ Simon.

11th June route

After weeks of dedicated training the day has finally arrived, The Pensioner’s wish is to be fulfilled, for many years prior to his untimely demise he told us he wanted his ashes scattering on his Nidderdale ride. The problem being he only gave us a vague idea of the route, assuming our telepathic skills were on par with Uri Geller’s. We managed to figure out the route from various clues and perusal of the map, it turns out it is quite a popular route and definitely in The Pensioner idiom.

An impressive turn out of ten riders met up in a sunny but windy Pateley Bridge ready to get to grips with The Pensioner’s favourite route. Two of our less “honed” riders, a bit out of of practice, were utilising The Pensioner’s Haibikes to make up for their lack of training. Eventually the faffing was over and our actual peloton left the car park and headed into the Nidderdale Valley, following the road beside Gouthwaite Reservoir, just before we reached Ramsgill, one of the electric bikes suffered a mechanical which called for a return to base for some mechanic style attention - luckily we had a mechanic, so they were despatched in search of wet lube while the rest of laid about making the immaculately manicured grass in Ramsgill look untidy, sure we could hear some ethereal chuckling.

Wheel bearings freed Vinnie and Bobby rejoined us and we left tarmac behind to ride the bridleway, passing West House Farm to Stean Gorge, in true Pensioner style, things went a bit pear-shaped here and we missed the turn off onto the steep road to Middlesmoor, realising only when a finger post appeared pointing us to Middlesmoor via a bikes strictly prohibited footpath. What would The Pensioner do? Reverse and climb up a steep road or follow the path? The footpath police have done their level best to make things as bike unfriendly as they possibly can but we forged onward in true Pensioner spirit, mentally railing at the temerity of the “authorities”. Back on track we dragged ourselves up the remaining stretch of road to Middlesmoor, 25% gradient road, which left us panting somewhat. Another stretch of offroad track climbed ahead of us and climbed some more before fooling us into thinking we had reached the summit and then going up a bit more. Surely the famous downhill to Scar House reservoir must be here somewhere. So far: so Pensioner, wide tracks, open vistas, no trees, continuous ascent; all the hallmarks of The Pensioner.

Finally the reservoir came into view and we attacked the descent like starving men at a feast, Bobby giving us a masterclass in descending, overtaking those of us who thought we could not possibly go any faster. Regrouping at the bottom we crossed the dam, pausing to look over the edge at some phenomenal Victorian architecture. This being the farthest point of the ride, we decided this would be the spot to scatter The Pensioner to the four winds and the wind today was so strong he was certain to be scattered far and wide. Firstly his old riding helmet was signed by us all and fastened to a post, hopefully for eternity and then we took turns at letting the wind move The Pensioner at a speed much faster than he could ever achieve in corporeal life. What could have been a sombre moment felt (to me anyway) quite carefree, remembering The Pensioner, thinking about his quirky philosophy and unshakeable pessimism. It was the best send off possible, nothing could have been more suitable, a wild, windswept moor, a bunch of bikes and the barest minimum of respect. The American scientist Craig Venter summed it up perfectly when he said: “The only 'afterlife' is what other people remember of you.” The Pensioner will be eternal.

Our return route basically took us along the other side of the Nidderdale valley, along Dale Edge to the oddly named Sype Land. Naturally it was predominantly uphill, on wide tracks and by special arrangement, a howling side wind which buffeted us into the sides of the track. Eventually things took a turn downhill - are we lost? A Pensioner route with more than a few metres of downhill? Our speediest run of the day took us into Bouthwaite where we followed the opposite bank of Gouthwaite reservoir on a pleasant bridleway before we rejoined the road back into Pateley Bridge.

Bikes away we retired to a local pub for another gift from The Pensioner, dinner for all, which was received thankfully by all. It had been the best of days, poignant but enjoyable, a healthy amount of banter and a ride over open moorland ideally suited to a partially-sighted sexagenerian. Another quote to ponder before we go, this time for mr. mad dogs and englishmen Noel Coward; “We have no reliable guarantee that the afterlife will be any less exasperating than this one, have we? If that is true our old mate will be having the time of his life up there.